It’s finally happened: you’ve scored the guy of your dreams. You want to gush about this new romance to your besties over mimosas, a la Sex And The City.
But the moment you bring up your new flame, it goes over like a lead balloon.
“… Oh really? Him?”
Or, your bestie says exactly what she thinks about him—and it isn’t good.
Conflict with your BFF not only throws a wrench into your adorbs meet-cute, but it strains your friendship, too. Obviously, you can’t ditch your bestie when you fall in love with someone they disapprove of.
On the flip side, you can’t dump your boyfriend because your BFF says he “breathes too loud”. Even if it’s a legitimate pet-peeve and loud breathing drives me crazy, too.
This is a make-it-work moment, fam. If your BFF is swiping left on your dream guy, here’s what you can do.
Are their concerns actually valid?
Step one is to figure out if your bestie is full of hot air or if they have real concerns.
Maybe they don’t like your boyfriend because they’ve seen him get aggressive and punch walls (or worse, people) at a party, or display gross behavior like catcalling (ew). You are crazy about this guy and see him through rose-colored glasses right now. You certainly might miss legit warning signs because of that.
Your BFF wants what’s best for you, and are more likely to see right through any f-boy’s act in an impartial way.
If they don’t like your boyfriend for safety or security reasons, take it seriously. You can’t “fix” a history of toxic or abusive behavior. There could be merit to what your friend is saying, which would help you say, “Bye, Felicia” to a bad relationship before you get in too deep.
Of course, if your friend has a history of making things up, exaggerating the truth, or hating on people for stupid reasons, well, that’s not good.
Ask for their side
That’s why you should always ask your bestie for their side of the story. Why don’t they like your boyfriend? Don’t let them get away with vague answers like, “I don’t like him” or “I just think you could do better.”
What behaviors does he exhibit that they don’t like? Has he done anything alarming that you should know about?
You want to figure out where, specifically, this disapproval is coming from. If your BFF can’t come up with something better than he “is too short for you,” or “breathes too loud”, you might just have a hyper-opinionated friend. If that’s the case, this isn’t about your boyfriend—it’s about your bestie forcing their opinion on you. Which isn’t cool.
Be honest, but cautious
Hearing your best friend rag on your boyfriend might make you red in the face. “Oh my god, she couldn’t be any further from the truth,” you might think. Even if your BFF is full of BS, don’t let yourself get heated over the issue.
Friendships, especially those of the best friend variety, tend to last longer than romantic relationships. Preserving your friendship should be a priority, so even if your friend gets in your face, stay calm. Acknowledge the concerns and make him or her feel heard. Don’t brush them off, but don’t yell, either.
Keep the peace with a level head.
Focus on a solution
Don’t let bad blood linger. Work with your BFF to come up with a solution to this awkward conflict instead of letting it fester. Plus, eventually you’re going to want to hang out altogether, right?
If she’s mad you’re spending too much time with your boyfriend, set up a regular date for just you and her. Maybe schedule a monthly girls’ night so she doesn’t feel like she’s losing you.
If your bestie finds your boyfriend unbearable, it’s probably in your best interest to limit how much they interact with each other. Maybe she can’t stand how loud he gets when he drinks; so have some sober fun together instead.
Weigh carefully whether or not it’s a good idea to loop bae into what’s going on. He can probably tell your friend is giving him the cold shoulder, but you may want to keep the situation to yourself and avoid stirring up any unnecessary drama between the two. Once you tell him, you can’t take it back.
The solution may be to keep your social and romantic life totally separate. They don’t have to be buddy-buddy, and if this is the way to keep the peace and not cause conflicts that’ll put you in the middle, well then, you’ve got to accept that.
Agree to disagree
As much as it can hurt, your BFF doesn’t have to like your boyfriend. Yeah, it makes life way easier if they do, but it’s your life.
You do you, and ask your best friend to respect your choices. Ask her to support you even though she doesn’t agree. She doesn’t have to like your boyfriend, but she does need to put on her big-girl panties and be cordial, at a minimum.
The bottom line
You’ve met your person and you want to show him off to the world. But it stings when you realize your squad doesn’t approve of your man.
Try to balance your bestie’s concerns with your new relationship. Emotions are sticky things, so navigate everything using your gut. When in doubt, ask an impartial third party, like another friend, your mom, or sibling for an outside perspective.
But guess what?
You’re dating him, not them. At the end of the day, you’ve got to do what’s best for your life.